


What Is This Feeling (I'm Burning Alive)

by tonkystank



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders is a Sweetheart, Deceit | Janus Sanders is a Sweetheart, Dissociation, First Kiss, Fluff, Gray-Romantic Remus Sanders, Kinda, Kissing, M/M, Mentions of dissociation, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Pining Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Remus just has a lot of feelings, Romance, Romance written by an arospec person, Romantic Fluff, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Teeth that movie with the monster vagina, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Worship, hes so hard for no reason, i can't write janus guys, it's only vaguely mentioned don't worry, on accident, slightly OOC, tell me if I forgot to tag anything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:40:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28771746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tonkystank/pseuds/tonkystank
Summary: It feels like he swallowed the sun. Like he accidentally stepped into toxic waste and it was melting him from the inside out, going through muscle and tissue and organs before finally burning the bones.That's what being around Janus felt like.
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 7
Kudos: 81





	What Is This Feeling (I'm Burning Alive)

**Author's Note:**

> hi i was in a romantic mood so i impulsively wrote this-- if it's not good, remember that I am 1) arospec so romance is kind of foreign to me and 2) bad at writing Janus so  
> enjoy

See, here's the thing-- Remus didn't think he was  _ capable _ of these emotions.

He thought it was Romans thing-- the overdramatic, nauseating lovey-dovey shit that really seemed to get his brothers rocks off ( _ okay, he's all for fucked up shit but that was a little too far brain _ ).

And Remus hadn't really gotten it. Like, he understood the  _ concept _ of romance. He kind of understood the desire for someone-- or multiple someones- to share your life with, to get to know everything about. To feel completely safe with them at all times. 

But he honestly didn't think he was capable of feeling those emotions. Why would he be? He was Intrusive Thoughts, not Romantic Lovey-Dovey thoughts. 

Apparently he was wrong.

Because Janus is currently sitting in his room, his head on his chest (Janus is a lot more cuddly than people give him credit for while watching movies)-- and he feels so small, so fragile, even though he knows Janus is anything but-- his fingers lightly curled on his upper chest and his breathing even, and Remus feels like he can't breathe. 

It feels like he swallowed the sun. Like he accidentally stepped into toxic waste and it was melting him from the inside out, going through muscle and tissue and organs before finally burning the bones. 

That's what being close to Janus felt like. When Janus smiles at him, it feels like a nuclear bomb goes off; when Janus huffs a laugh after a particularly dirty joke, it literally feels like a siren's song from the old pirate tales. Being near Janus felt like he was absorbed in light, his heart expanding so much he was sure it was going to jump out of his chest and splat onto the floor, all bloody and still beating. Being around Janus felt like being around an other worldly being.

And Remus would be lying if he said he hated it.

Is he disturbed by it? Oh abso-fucking-lutely. And that's saying a lot, because Remus doesn't get disturbed easily. But he honestly wouldn't change it for the world. 

Movement brought him out of his honestly disgustingly sappy thoughts, and brought his attention down to Janus, who was shifting to look at Remus. And oh my god he didn't realize how close they were. 

"Re, did you eat today?" Janus asked, using the nickname that Remus hadn't heard since they were kids.

His heart flipped from the simple sound of Janus's voice-- my god he really is gone on him, ew-- and he responded in the most elegant form.

"What?"

Best performance of his life.

Janus's brows furrowed--  _ oh my fucking GOD he's so cute _ \-- but he repeated it again without complaint. "I asked if you've eaten today."

Oh. Remus thought back throughout the day-- spending most of it in the imagination, fucking around with his kingdom and with Roman's side. Did he eat today?

Oh yeah, he did. He  _ vaguely  _ remembers gnawing down on some meat that he found in one of the many dumpsters of his part of the imagination. 

That might have been yesterday, but he agrees for Janus's sake. "Yeah, I ate. Why? You my mom or something?" 

"No, I'm just worried about you. I know that you forget to eat sometimes, so I just  _ didn't _ want to check up on you."

And-- and--

That's so fucking nice Remus thinks he might explode. 

"Aw, snakey, you worried about little old me?" He grinned, and Janus huffed a breath that he could feel against his lips. 

"No, of course not, what would give you that idea?" And then Janus did his little half smirk thing, and Remus kind of felt like he was on fire. 

After that, they fell into a comfortable silence, focusing back on the movie. (The movie was Teeth, a movie about a monster in a girls vagina. Dude got his dick chopped off. It's fucking metal.)

After a while of the honestly-not-that-good-movie, Janus cleared his throat again. 

Remus looked down at him, "What's up, J-anus? Got a hairball?"

"Yes, definitely. But, actually Remus, this is.. serious, so pay attention." Janus's face was masked completely.

Remus would deny to the day that he died that his stomach dropped slightly as he shrugged and reached over to turn down the movie, then looked back at Janus. "Who did you kill and why didn't you invite me?" He can't stop making jokes, apparently.

"No, seriously Remus, listen. While we were watching the incredibly entertaining movie--" Remus snickered, "-- I was thinking about what you told me the other day. When you said that sometimes you, and everything around you, doesn't feel real." 

Why is he bringing this up now? He already told him about this. Brought it up over breakfast and then sunk out before Janus could say anything. And Janus didn't mention it, and Remus didn't either. He thought that was the end of it. Apparently not.

"And I need you to know, that this? Everything that's happening right now?" Janus motioned to the T.V, the glowsticks hanging from the ceiling, the multiple punk rock posters on the wall, the peeling paint and goo in every crevice, the puddle in his room that was a secret way to get into the imagination, "this is real. You are as real as a side can be."

And suddenly there was a lump in Remus's throat and he suddenly felt like he was going to cry. He tried to laugh, but it kind of came out sounding like a dying chicken instead. 

"Yeah, I know, Jan-" but did he? Because there are times, far more often than he would like to admit, where he feels... disconnected from reality. Where he looks at his room and his friends and sees nothing but walking, talking shapes.  _ Just shapes. _

"No, Remus, listen to me." And suddenly Janus was cradling his cheek oh my god  _ oh my god _ \-- and he was looking at him with those incredible heterochromatic eyes and the scales that shine iridescent in the sunlight and  _ Holy Fucking Shit. _

"You are real. I promise." 

Janus doesn't make promises often.

The lights were spinning, their foreheads were touching, and they were so close that if Remus moved his head a  _ little _ bit, he could--he could--

"Can I kiss you?" Remus asked, his voice barely above a whisper--

He's always been impulsive.

Janus's eyes widened in surprise, but they also flickered down to Remus's lips and then back up.

"Yes."

And then he was kissing Janus.

Wow.

If he thought it was intense before, he was wrong. Tangling his hands in Janus's hair, he felt like he was going to  _ melt melt melt _ into the floor, into Janus, because he's so filled with  _ love _ and adoration that he isn't sure that he didn't steal Roman's function. 

Janus's lips are so soft, and he tastes like cinnamon and coffee and it’s perfect, and the scales on his face are cool to the touch and Remus kind of wants to lick them, and all of Remus’s wild fantasies of this moment don’t even come close to the real thing.

Eventually they have to part-- because no matter how much Remus tries, he can't actually go without breathing-- and they just. stare at each other.

With Janus's swollen lips and slight red blush and dazed eyes and messy hair, Remus thinks he might literally be a god.

When Janus regained his composure, he tried to speak, but Remus cut him off.

"I love you." It felt like a prayer, something holy in the way he whispered those three words, and he couldn't stop. "I love you, I love you so fucking  _ much _ oh my god--" 

And Janus was laughing, cradling his face once more and sitting up so he was sitting in his lap, repeating the same thing back to him.

"I love you too, Remus, I always have, holy shit why did it take us this long?--"

Remus felt like he was floating, like a hot air balloon, and he was pretty sure his giggling was a little manic, but he didn't care because Janus is here and he loves him and the truth come out, does Remus Sanders is a sap, and nothing else matters except a steady stream of  _ Janus, Janus, Janus. _

Remus captured his lips in a kiss again, except it wasn't really a kiss because both of them kept smiling and it was just teeth, but they're both so unnaturally giddy so its okay.

God, is this what Roman feels like all the time? How has he not fucking  _ exploded _ ?

"I love you." Janus murmurs against his lips.

They were going to have to talk about this later. About what this means, what they are, about Remus's increasingly worrisome mental health and dissociation issues.

And he’s probably going to think that this wasn’t real, that his brain just made a very intense fantasy, and that he hadn’t actually left the imagination.

But that's later.

Right now, Janus's hands are in his hair and the light is making him look haunted and ethereal, and Remus is in love with him, and some dude on screen in the forgotten movie is getting his dick eaten by a dog, and--

And everything is okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Teeth is a real movie. Don't watch it.


End file.
